I had to rewrite this whole post because of how personal it turned out to be. The second I wrote my first sentence, I felt those familiar emotions and spiraling thoughts taking over… just like they always do. And I talked to my best friend about it, she calmed me down saying God might be just shining light to that dark space in me, so when I do write about this I can be sure every word is true. I pray that God would use this message to bring hope and light to people that are going through the deep waters. And it would touch you, my dear reader. He still loves you and you’re still the apple of His eye. He knew what you would go through and how you would react. He also promised to never leave you, and He keeps all of His promises!!

Today’s topic is a heavy one, and it’s something I’m sure a majority of us, if not all, have come face to face with. I call them monsters. Do you remember when you were a kid and you thought there were monsters underneath your bed? Yeah, well these monsters actually live inside our minds. They were created to steal our joy, peace and relationships. And they go by Jealousy, Envy, Selfishness, Hatred and Bitterness. And personally for me, I’m in constant war with the truth and these monsters. And the truth is in Love.

Love is kind, it does not envy, or grow bitter, it does not keep count of wrongs, it’s patient, selfless and slow to anger (1 COR 13:1-8). Yet 90% of time I act like the enemy of those I love. Why? Well, the simple answer to this is; I’m human. In fact in Rom. 7:14 Paul says he is SO human, and not spiritual at all. That’s why he constantly does things he doesn’t want to do. There’s a battle between the natural and spiritual inside us, normally causing confusion and us doing things we don’t want to do but still do. And so when someone else succeeds, I want to be happy for them but choose to feel bad for myself. I grow jealous and even angry. I focus on what I go through instead of joining the victory of a loved one.

This is a very dangerous road to take. My actions are not only saying that God does mistakes and is unfair, but I’m also putting myself above everyone else and/or saying I deserve those things more than they do. And what ends up happening I abide in these things, and end up disconnecting myself from everyone and will have no peace.

These monsters make us think we’re the only person that matters, we’re the only one worthy and we have a right to act out of offense and hurt others because they hurt us first. But does that sound like behavior of someone who’s truly happy and content within themselves? To me it sounds like an insecure, broken person. A person who never healed from past trauma nor found true peace in life; I am that person. I can’t even count the times I let my emotions take the wheel. And I abide in one toxic thought till I feel like my whole body is poisoned by this rage and then give myself the permission to act like I was a god because I think I was supposed to be the first in line for every blessing, or I feel like God blesses those who I think don’t even pray about things ( Phil. 2:4). Behavior like this gives space to the evil one to come in and play mind games with me. When I’m already judging God’s judgement of others and His grace for all, and I choose to believe the lies, I’m in his trap already. This is where the enemy starts saying things against me, telling me how I can’t be used by God because of my unholiness, he tells me I shouldn’t even try to reach my purpose because I have all these faults in me or I’m lacking of wisdom. Why would God want a wreck like me? He uses people that have more money, friends and are healed (2 Cor. 12:9-10).

I had been angry and bitter towards this friend of mine. For no particular reason really. I just grew bitter after certain events and I decided I have the permission to throw mental rocks at this person. I thought it would make me feel good and I could be happy with myself. It never brought peace, I felt more anxious and insecure. God took it upon His own power to humble me; He told me to go to a church called Christian Life Fellowship, Raleigh NC (I love this church!). And she was there (the girl who I felt hurt by). God told me, in His house there’s no room for toxic mindsets. And I had to forgive, and I apologized God for letting myself judge His daughter. We sat right next to each other and she kept hugging me, and I felt happy and free. In that moment I was reminded of God’s true character; He’s a God of unity, justice, love and peace. And the enemy tries to turn it against us every time he sees an opportunity. But our Jesus is more powerful and He is willing to help us through these struggles, and turn weaknesses in to strengths. Listen, there’s NOTHING wrong in feeling hurt or being angry, but it’s how you let that affect the way you treat others or yourself through those hurt feelings. Will you let healthy emotions turn into unhealthy ones, or will you let God work in you during times of weakness? Anger can be beautiful if you treat it right. If you take it to God first.

I pray that You, Heavenly Father, would lead us back to being the big family You created us to be. Help us win these battles, fight them for us. And guide us to a deeper understanding of Your unconditional love and care for us. Also give us wisdom to help each other in the middle of the storms. And bless each of my reader today. In Jesus’ name, Amen!

I hope this post was helpful to you, and encourages you in the future, and if so please give me a follow on any of my socials, and subscribe to my blog for me content. I’d love to hear your stories and victories too. And if you need someone to pray for you, don’t be afraid to ask! I’m here for ya! 😀 Happy Monday, lovelies!!

Sincerely,

Ella Rantala